WHY TIME OUT DOESN’T WORK
“If we put our daughter in time out, she won’t stay there for even a minute, never mind one minute for each year of her age. It just doesn’t work. What are we supposed to do?” Sound familiar?
It takes time. Many parents expect instant results after putting up with their child’s bad behavior for years.
Let’s be realistic here. If your child is not listening in general, or a pattern of bad behavior has been well established, she’s not going to give in without a fight. As soon as you put her in time out, whether it’s in her room, or on a special time out chair, she’s going to escape and reappear because she’s accustomed to disregarding your authority.
It is not unusual for parents to be frustrated and quit. Some try to restrain their child physically. Neither tactic works.
The answer is not duct tape or super glue, but patience, commitment to change, and perseverance.
You put her back in her room, she gets out, you put her back in her room, she gets out, you put her back in her room, and she gets out. Wherever you select as the time out place, her room or a time out chair, stick with it; don’t change the spot. Don’t start talking to her or show any reaction to her ability to escape. Simply place her back in the time out spot. Say nothing.
Every time you return her to the time out place, you demonstrate your consistency, strength of mind and patience. Eventually she will get it. It might take 10-12 times the first day, and 14-16 times the next day. It will work in the end. (Remember potty training?) Trust me, as long as you follow through, she will stop trying to test you and will accept your authority. You must have the stamina and the belief that it will work eventually. Make a commitment to put in the hard work, stick with it, and you will see results, far quicker than if you start using the technique, give up, and start again and give up.
Never attempt to restrain your child when you place her in her room or on the time out chair. The technique is not about overpowering your child physically. That would be only a step away from hitting her. If you force her to sit where you have put her, you show her that you are not confident that the technique will work. Instead, place her in the time out spot as often as it takes. Do it with an air of confidence and with the determination to take charge of the situation. Place her back every time, and she will see that you mean business. Your authority will be established.
Arlene Pinheiro is a licensed Marriage & Family Therapist. Michelle Pinheiro is a licensed social worker. They specialize in play therapy for children pre-K to 12. Through the use of toys, puppets, sand, clay, etc., the child’s natural medium, They help them address, resolve and cope with a variety of social, emotional, behavioral and learning problems. Parents and therapist work together to plan and monitor the progress. The practice, Child Play Therapy with a Family Connection, is located at 250 Main Street, Lebanon, NJ 08833. They can be reached at 908-236-2763 or at childplaytherapy@comcast.net.
