KEEPING YOUR MARRIAGE/RELATIONSHIP ALIVE AND WELL

By Arlene Pinheiro

By reading this article, you’ve just taken the first step in your commitment to keep your marriage/relationship alive and well. You are creating exciting, new possibilities for yourself and your partner. You are about to discover that by applying a few incredibly simple principles, your love life will change dramatically.

If you’ve been running around in circles trying to fix your relationship, you probably don’t believe that you have the answers within yourself, but you do. The following points are designed to help you find those answers. I know my methods work because I have been using them for many years to help couples strengthen their love. Let’s begin creating positive changes today!

• You get out of a relationship just what you put into it. If your love has died, it means you haven’t been paying enough attention to your partner. Love doesn’t just disappear. It gets driven out. What are a few things you can do to show your partner that you really appreciate him or her? Think about some actions you can take to give your relationship the attention it deserves.

• Arguing doesn’t mean that there is something wrong with the relationship. Conflict is inevitable. You are alive, and sharing your life with another person. You have different views. Can you think of some reasons why conflict might be a positive and essential part of your relationship? Remember, different isn’t wrong; it’s just different.

• You believe your partner’s personality is to blame. He/she is stubborn, angry, controlling, pessimistic…whatever. What negative traits have you used to label your partner? Now reexamine your responses and ask yourself, “Is my partner really like this all of the time? Are there times when he or she responds differently? Be honest. Are you overlooking a time when your partner doesn’t behave this way? When? With whom?

• We just can’t communicate. Sound familiar? Men and women communicate in very different ways. As long as you learn to understand these differences, you can deal with them and greatly enhance your life.

For Men Only: _ There’s no end to how much she likes to talk about things. _ She always wants to talk about our relationship. _ She can never drop things when she’s upset. _ She doesn’t understand my need to be quiet or alone. _ She’s always on the phone.

For Women Only: _ He doesn’t like to talk about his feelings. _ When he talks to his friends, the topics are very superficial. _ When I talk about something, he tells me what to do. _ He prefers not to talk about heated issues. _ He’d rather be doinganything than havinga deep conversation.

You may have thought that your partner is the only one in the world who communicates this way. It is simply not true. You are seeing the differences in how men and women communicate. The gender differences apply to practically everyone.

• Nagging or complaining is frequently a women’s way of trying very hard to change things, and make them better. Men should worry when she stops complaining. Men: What has she been complaining about recently? What do you think she might be trying to accomplish? What improvements would occur if you were to respond to her requests?

• If only my partner would change, our relationship would improve. Right? We can think of plenty of reasons why our loved one is the cause of our troubles, or why he or she is to blame. Unfortunately, blame doesn’t help in any way. It’s a destructive force that only serves to push you and your partner further apart. The causes of your relationship’s rocky areas don’t lie within your partner alone. The real place to look is at the way the two of you interact. Once you act differently, your partner will respond differently. It’s easy. You can change other people by changing your own behavior. What can YOU do differently to get better results?

• Make your goal action-oriented. The more precise your goals are, the easier they are to accomplish. Often we are unclear or too vague, and that makes it extremely difficult for your partner to please you. No one has a crystal ball. Your goal will be vague unless you describe exactly what your partner will be doingdifferently when your goal is achieved. For example:

Vague goal: You want your partner to communicate better.

Action goal:

• He’ll turn off the TV when we talk.
• He’ll make eye contact with me.
• He’ll give me some feedback on what he understands about what I was saying.
• He’ll ask me questions about whatever I’m discussing.

Now, you try it. Get specific. Make your goals action-oriented. What will you and your partner be doing differently that will let you know that you have reached your relationship goals?

• Do something different. Insanity has been defined as doing the same old thing over and over and expecting different results. Do you pick up after your husband each time he leaves his clothes in the living room, and then hope he’ll do it himself next time? Do you initiate sex with your wife every time, and then hope she’ll initiate it next time? Do you and your partner say the same things over and over about the same heated issue? Well, guess what? Using the same ineffective strategy over and over again doesn’t work. If at first you don’t succeed, try something different! Replace these old tired ways with something new, something entirely unexpected. Try to get a detailed picture of what you or your partner say or do on a regular basis. Add anything you can think of that describes how you act when you’re on automatic pilot. This will help you determine what you need to change.
• Act “as if”. Do you think you “just know” when your spouse’s bad mood is going to ruin your evening? Are you “absolutely positive” that your partner will not complete the fix-it project you have lined up? Are you “sure” your partner will be late again? Well, you may think you are predicting the future, but in reality you are creating it. When you expect negative outcomes, your partner will pick up these messages and “bingo”, you’ll get just what you expect. So, stop it right now. Act “as if” you are expecting positive results and watch it happen. (Remember to compliment your partner for the change.)
• Do nothing! Are you a fix-it addict? You do all the worrying all the time. When you stop fixing things, you might discover that the people around you become more capable of finding solutions. The more you do, the less the other person has to do. So, if you stop trying to solve every relationship problem, maybe your partner will take over. Wouldn’t that be nice?

Keep the changes going. Change is inevitable once you get the ball rolling. You now know that you have all the power to shape your relationship, to make it the kind of partnership you both want. Think “solutions” and think “possibilities” too.

Do you want more information on this topic? Send for

Arlene Pinheiro’s Step-by-Step Workbook:

Keep Your Marriage/Relationship Alive and Well

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