BEDTIME IS A NIGHTMARE IN OUR HOUSE

Are your children going to bed too late? Is a child sleeping in your bed, or do you wait until he is so exhausted he falls asleep on the couch?

What you need is a firm Bedtime Routine. Very few children volunteer to go to bed. It’s up to you to set the framework.

First, set a bedtime for each child in the family. A toddler should probably go in by 7:30 p.m., and a 7-8 year old, by around 8:00 p.m. Young children need much more sleep than we do (10 to 12 hours sleep a night.) Make their bedtimes earlier rather than later, and you will be pleased with the result--an evening to yourselves as adults, and well- rested, pleasant kids in the morning.

Both parents need to work as a team to do bedtimes. The routine for each child should take between half and hour to an hour, from getting into the bath to saying goodnight. Don’t rush it or prolong it. Each parent can be having some one-on-one time if there is more than one child in the family, taking turns with the bath and story routine.

Keep things calm in the late evening - no roughhouse. Monitor TV – nothing scary or overly stimulating – and don’t let them get involved in a program that’s going to finish after their bedtime. This just becomes a bargaining chip.

Let your children know what comes next in each stage of the routine. “It’s time for your bath in ten minutes.” “In three minutes you have to get out of the tub.” “In two minutes we will read a story.” Try not to say “Hurry up” or kids will feel rushed and resist. Small children have very little sense of how long an hour is. Prepare them by letting them know what’s coming up next.

Another common problem is that your child will not stay in bed, screams and has tantrums, or insists on sleeping in your bed. A technique that works is (a) As soon as he gets out of bed, take him back and say: “It’s bedtime, sweetheart.” (b) The next time, take him back and say: “Bedtime.” (c) The third time, take him back to bed and say nothing. Avoid eye contact, and do not communicate at all. (d) Every time he gets out of bed from then on, take him straight back, and say nothing.

Perseverance is the key here. Sooner or later, he gets the message that you are serious. The first couple of nights will be a major challenge. He will fake illness, need for a drink, need to use the bathroom, etc. Accommodate his needs quickly, without speaking.

Don’t lose faith in the technique, remember do not engage with his manipulation.

Kids who are running circles around their parents every night do so because parents lack the confidence to assert their authority and take control. You know best what is right for them; they have to be taught. You set the bedtimes and the routines: It’s not up to them.

Arlene Pinheiro is a licensed Marriage & Family Therapist. Michelle Pinheiro is a licensed social worker. They specialize in play therapy for children pre-K to 12. Through the use of toys, puppets, sand, clay, etc., the child’s natural medium, They help them address, resolve and cope with a variety of social, emotional, behavioral and learning problems. Parents and therapist work together to plan and monitor the progress. The practice, Child Play Therapy with a Family Connection, is located at 250 Main Street, Lebanon, NJ 08833. They can be reached at 908-236-2763 or at childplaytherapy@comcast.net.