DIVORCE IS NOT THE ANSWER
“I love my spouse, but I’m no longer ‘in love’ with him/her. I want a divorce.” What is this nonsense?
Imagine divorcing our children on grounds of ‘we’re no longer compatible’. Absurd! With our kids, we roll with the punches, modify our expectations, grateful for the good times and learn to expect some hard times.
Mature marriage is very different from the early honeymoon stages. There is no cookie-cutter way to be married. No one formula works for everyone, yet most marriages are worth saving. Divorce is not the answer.
Suffering and disillusionment are the by-products of divorce. Some who have been divorced for five years or longer have wounds that won’t heal. Many fail to anticipate the pain and upheaval divorce leaves in its wake. Couples often continue to battle over the same issues they were supposed to be leaving behind when they walked out of the door. Some ghosts live forever, and if children are involved, one is never free from the emotional grip of their former-spouse.
Too many disillusioned individuals express regrets about their belief that their ex-spouse was the problem only to discover similar problems in their second marriages, or even more surprisingly, in their single lives. So, you see, often one doesn’t take into account the roles both partners play in the deterioration of the relationship. Habits go with you even when you end a marriage.
Children are the most vulnerable victims of divorce. They have no say in a decision that profoundly affects them for the rest of their lives. Divorce of their parents means the death of their family. Children are severely impacted as the family disintegrates. Their sense of security and comfort becomes profoundly shaken. The emptiness never goes away.
Of course there are extreme situations where certain relationships are better off terminated for the health and well being of everyone involved. The primary complaints leading to divorce, however, are lack of communication, lack of affection, feeling unvalued, criticism and nagging. As a marriage and family therapist, I am not in the business of saving bad marriages, but I do believe in letting go of the old marriage and renegotiating a new one –with the same partner. Don’t wait for your spouse to change first. You can change your marriage by changing yourself. If just one person makes some changes, the relationship must change.
It’s not too late. If you have an interest in working things out, it is very possible. Let a marriage counselor provide some optimistic support for your marriage before you call it quits. Even if your hope for your marriage is very low, let your therapist hold that hope for you for a while. Unless you have tried an all-out effort in therapy to save your marriage, I am never convinced that it isn’t salvageable. Investing in therapy is much less expensive than a divorce, and it may be the most important decision you will ever make.
Find a formally trained marriage and family therapist near you at: www.therapistlocator.net.
Arlene Pinheiro is a licensed Marriage & Family Therapist. Michelle Pinheiro is a licensed social worker. They specialize in play therapy for children pre-K to 12. Through the use of toys, puppets, sand, clay, etc., the child’s natural medium, They help them address, resolve and cope with a variety of social, emotional, behavioral and learning problems. Parents and therapist work together to plan and monitor the progress. The practice, Child Play Therapy with a Family Connection, is located at 250 Main Street, Lebanon, NJ 08833. They can be reached at 908-236-2763 or at childplaytherapy@comcast.net.
